


I never...

by flirtywaluigi



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Its kinda sad..., M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mentions of major charecter death, Merlins thoughts, Past Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 08:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6366589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flirtywaluigi/pseuds/flirtywaluigi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin never wanted anything like this to happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I never...

I never wanted for it to end this way. You were meant to rule for many years, have a child or a few and die happy and content with your life work. Not angry at me for wanting to do nothing more than keep you safe.  
I never wanted you to find out, at least not when you were dying because I failed you in the time you needed me most.  
I never wanted to be alone, but with immortality its normal. I never wished to bury my friends but one by one they all fell and so did Camelot, it was so hard to say goodbye to that castle. As even though those memories weren't always the best, that was all I had. You telling when you wanted stuff done by, whether it was cleaning your boots or fetching you your food, I will never forget them for those short years were the best of my life. Even though most of them were spend hiding: hiding my loves and the magic. The same things that were your undoing and for that I will never forgive myself.

I never wanted to die more than when you did, the thought...wish really that you would come back didn't bring me comfort. In reality it just confirmed that you were gone and that there wasn't anything I could do that would make your return even closer. I tried to die, in every conceivable way possible but each time I did anything that could've released me my fucking magic cut in and prevented anything happening. Of course, the one time I didn't want it to save someone it goes and bloody does it...Its not fair!. Out of everyone I deserve my rest. But no sweet reprieve goes near.

I never wanted to fight as long as you weren't by my side, but a civil war and 2 world wars changed the world, but each death, both good men and bad, this who truly deserved it and those who death was a gift from the agony that they had endured but I had to go on completely normal as if I was a mortal man who could die, but instead I was just reminded me of how I could never have the luxury of death, just constantly roaming the earth waiting for you to return to me.

I never wanted to be attached. I wanted to become a lone wolf, but that never worked out. In the past century, my longest relationship was about 6 months, his name was Derek. Actually he reminded me of you, I guess that's why I stayed for so long. 6 months may sound like a short time frame, for a immortal being it is, but it was the happiest I felt for a long time. His eyes matched yours, our senses of humour were identical. It felt just like the old days just with more comforting and no constant having to go and hunt, just for your enjoyment. Cowardly, I snuck out of the flat leaving nothing more than a note saying it wasn't what I wanted. When in reality I couldn't stand burying someone else. Its just eaiser to move about.

I never wanted to take drugs, but I was desperate. Our story was being turned into multi million films and that just wasn't right. What right did they have to state what was or wasn't?  
The drugs, they helped me to forget and let go. It was all I needed to just let me drift away. Overdoses were far too common, but it just took took many to have any effect. I managed it quit, all I did was walk around Wales for a bit. Surprisingly it worked but inside I was just hollow. No love. Everything that once was, ripped out and strewn about.

I never wanted this to happen. All I wanted was you. 

But that can never be...

**Author's Note:**

> I may write another chapter depending on whether it needs it.  
> Thanks for reading it.  
> Also sorry for it being a bit crap, it was written at like 2 in the morning.


End file.
